The Dreaded Dinghy of Death

You just never know when I'm going to show up, do you? Well, here I am, surprise!  I like keeping you on your toes.
It's been a while since I've last visited my padded cell, and let me tell you . . . I've missed it sooo much! (No, I'm not crying, I've just got something in my eye.)
For once I'm not blaming those poor time traveling aliens for my absence, although I still see them from time to time. No, the true source of my silence is that I have been searching for work. . . which is not an easy thing to do. . . and I'm sure I'm not the only one with this particular problem.

Since the thought of filling out another application or sitting through another interview will definitely insure me a spot in a real padded cell, I have decided that desperate times call for desperate measures. . . I'm going to take up piracy.

My Grandma is always saying, when you start new projects, you need to make lists. So, I'm going to take her advise.  I think I'll start with the top five things that I'll need to do to prepare for my piracy career.

1. I need to go shopping. If I'm going to become a pirate, I need to look good. It's all about appearances you know.

2. I need to find a ship.This is a slight problem, since my Mommy told me that I wasn't allowed to steal one. . . Luckily, I've come up with a solution. I'm going to steal a dinghy instead. I'm not disobeying my Mother, since she specifically said I wasn't to steal a ship. See, I'm good at this piracy thing already!

3. Come up with a cool name for my new vessel. I was thinking that the Dreaded Dinghy of Death sounded quite catchy, and would surely strike fear into those foolish enough to venture out on my lake (I'm from the Midwest, there are no seas around. I have to settle for a lake). I also need to get a Jolly Roger flag as a courtesy to the ships I plunder. It would be nice to let them know that I'm a pirate before I attack.

4. Find lake to embark on. Preferably one where there's sailboats. I don't think I can row fast enough in my dinghy to catch up with motor boats.

5. I need to locate a plank that will fit my Dreaded Dinghy of Death. . . I'll probably also have to buy some  life vests and towels for the people I make walk the plank. . . Hmm, I wonder if I can get those floatation devises that look like rubber duckies? Wow, this is getting expensive!

Well, I'm sure I'll think of more things to add to my list, but I'll concentrate on these items for now. I'm off to do some shoe shopping, because let's face it, every pirate captain should have an awesome pair of boots.

Until next time, matey, may the wind always fill your sails. Argh! 



 

I'm Dreaming of a White Valentine's Day (Since I Didn't Have A White Christmas)

What is this strange white substance that's falling from the sky? It seems vaguely familiar to me. Do the angels have dandruff? Or could this possibly be. . . no impossible! But it is! I think this is the stuff that people refer to as. . . snow.
Yes! It's finally snowing here. Hooray!
I must admit, I've been kind of disappointed in winter this year, especially since there seems to be a disturbing lack of cold weather. I'd better enjoy the snowfall while I can though, according to the meteorologists it's going to warm up by the weekend. Pretty soon it will be spring, and then it's bye-bye Frosty. Drat!

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, the most romantic day of the year. Pretty ironic since it's named after man who was stoned, then beheaded.
Okay, so the romance of the holiday didn't actually occur until about 1000 years after Saint Valentine had died . . .and the only reason it became a day for lovers was because of the belief in England and France that birds began . . . um. . . courting in the middle of February. . . but still, it is named after him. 

What will I be doing this Valentine's day? You ask.
Well, I can say without a doubt that I will be doing something really special for the holiday. I mean, how often do you get the chance to take your mother to the dentist?
All kidding aside, I'll probably spend the day watching romance movies. Hopefully I'll slip a foreign film in my list.
I love watching foreign films with subtitles. It's a lot of fun, especially when they slip a few sentences of English  halfway through the movie. I usually have one of these two reactions:
1. Hey, where did the subtitles go? How am I supposed to know what they're saying without subtitles?
Or, if the movie's subtitles continue to pop up through the English part.
2. Oh my goodness. . . I can understand what they were saying! I've watched this move for so long that I am actually now fluent in this language!
Then disappointment sets  in as I realize that it's just English, and I'm not as brilliant as I thought I was. In fact, I'm feeling silly that I didn't realize it was English right off.
 But I digress.
 So there are my plans for Valentine's Day, take my mom to the dentist, then sit around and watch romance movies.
And yes, before you ask, I've already started my collection of stray cats. . .
So, what are your plans for Valentine's Day? Are you planning on something really romantic. . . or are you adopting a cat? (Not that the latter option is a bad idea. Cats can be great companions when they're not, you know, using you as a scratching post.) Here's a picture of my kitty.

He's probably watching television in this picture. (Don't worry, I only let him watch educational shows.)

Until next time, keep your eyes peeled for those Time Traveling Aliens.  

New Year Resolution . . . Take Two

 Did you think that I had left you forever?
Well, too bad, I'm back! You should be used to this by now.
We're a month into another new year, so it's time for my New Year Delusions. . . I mean, Resolutions, of course.
Let's see, what are my resolutions this year?
1.Write more than last year: That shouldn't be hard to do.
2. Maybe actually publish something? Ha! Yeah right. I've already had one rejection this year thus far. I bet you're shocked by this news. I can hear you now, "You actually sent something out to be rejected?" Yes! Are you proud of me?
3. Last but not least, this year I am going to try and dodge those time traveling aliens better! Those nasty little creatures are always distracting me! Not that that's really hard to do. I'm always getting dis- ooh, look! A shiny thing!
Ahem. . . Yes. . . I digress.
So, those are my New Year Delusions for the year.
"We've been through this before," I can hear you say, "What makes you think you'll actually keep them this year?
The answer is simple: I'm making my resolutions in February, not January. I've probably just astounded you with my brilliance.
So, how are you doing with your New Year Resolutions? Are you keeping to them? Have you already given up? Or did you even bother to make them at all?
Resolutions are fun to make, but they also shed light on your shortcomings.
Wow, that was almost a deep thought! I'd better stop before I start sounding profound! Horrors!

Till next time, keep dodging those Time Traveling Aliens.

 Photo Copyright © 2011 Darren Hester