Other Areas in My Padded Cell

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

The Dreaded Dinghy of Death

You just never know when I'm going to show up, do you? Well, here I am, surprise!  I like keeping you on your toes.
It's been a while since I've last visited my padded cell, and let me tell you . . . I've missed it sooo much! (No, I'm not crying, I've just got something in my eye.)
For once I'm not blaming those poor time traveling aliens for my absence, although I still see them from time to time. No, the true source of my silence is that I have been searching for work. . . which is not an easy thing to do. . . and I'm sure I'm not the only one with this particular problem.

Since the thought of filling out another application or sitting through another interview will definitely insure me a spot in a real padded cell, I have decided that desperate times call for desperate measures. . . I'm going to take up piracy.

My Grandma is always saying, when you start new projects, you need to make lists. So, I'm going to take her advise.  I think I'll start with the top five things that I'll need to do to prepare for my piracy career.

1. I need to go shopping. If I'm going to become a pirate, I need to look good. It's all about appearances you know.

2. I need to find a ship.This is a slight problem, since my Mommy told me that I wasn't allowed to steal one. . . Luckily, I've come up with a solution. I'm going to steal a dinghy instead. I'm not disobeying my Mother, since she specifically said I wasn't to steal a ship. See, I'm good at this piracy thing already!

3. Come up with a cool name for my new vessel. I was thinking that the Dreaded Dinghy of Death sounded quite catchy, and would surely strike fear into those foolish enough to venture out on my lake (I'm from the Midwest, there are no seas around. I have to settle for a lake). I also need to get a Jolly Roger flag as a courtesy to the ships I plunder. It would be nice to let them know that I'm a pirate before I attack.

4. Find lake to embark on. Preferably one where there's sailboats. I don't think I can row fast enough in my dinghy to catch up with motor boats.

5. I need to locate a plank that will fit my Dreaded Dinghy of Death. . . I'll probably also have to buy some  life vests and towels for the people I make walk the plank. . . Hmm, I wonder if I can get those floatation devises that look like rubber duckies? Wow, this is getting expensive!

Well, I'm sure I'll think of more things to add to my list, but I'll concentrate on these items for now. I'm off to do some shoe shopping, because let's face it, every pirate captain should have an awesome pair of boots.

Until next time, matey, may the wind always fill your sails. Argh! 


Monday, February 13, 2012

I'm Dreaming of a White Valentine's Day (Since I Didn't Have A White Christmas)

What is this strange white substance that's falling from the sky? It seems vaguely familiar to me. Do the angels have dandruff? Or could this possibly be. . . no impossible! But it is! I think this is the stuff that people refer to as. . . snow.
Yes! It's finally snowing here. Hooray!
I must admit, I've been kind of disappointed in winter this year, especially since there seems to be a disturbing lack of cold weather. I'd better enjoy the snowfall while I can though, according to the meteorologists it's going to warm up by the weekend. Pretty soon it will be spring, and then it's bye-bye Frosty. Drat!

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, the most romantic day of the year. Pretty ironic since it's named after man who was stoned, then beheaded.
Okay, so the romance of the holiday didn't actually occur until about 1000 years after Saint Valentine had died . . .and the only reason it became a day for lovers was because of the belief in England and France that birds began . . . um. . . courting in the middle of February. . . but still, it is named after him. 

What will I be doing this Valentine's day? You ask.
Well, I can say without a doubt that I will be doing something really special for the holiday. I mean, how often do you get the chance to take your mother to the dentist?
All kidding aside, I'll probably spend the day watching romance movies. Hopefully I'll slip a foreign film in my list.
I love watching foreign films with subtitles. It's a lot of fun, especially when they slip a few sentences of English  halfway through the movie. I usually have one of these two reactions:
1. Hey, where did the subtitles go? How am I supposed to know what they're saying without subtitles?
Or, if the movie's subtitles continue to pop up through the English part.
2. Oh my goodness. . . I can understand what they were saying! I've watched this move for so long that I am actually now fluent in this language!
Then disappointment sets  in as I realize that it's just English, and I'm not as brilliant as I thought I was. In fact, I'm feeling silly that I didn't realize it was English right off.
 But I digress.
 So there are my plans for Valentine's Day, take my mom to the dentist, then sit around and watch romance movies.
And yes, before you ask, I've already started my collection of stray cats. . .
So, what are your plans for Valentine's Day? Are you planning on something really romantic. . . or are you adopting a cat? (Not that the latter option is a bad idea. Cats can be great companions when they're not, you know, using you as a scratching post.) Here's a picture of my kitty.
He's probably watching television in this picture. (Don't worry, I only let him watch educational shows.)

Until next time, keep your eyes peeled for those Time Traveling Aliens.  

Monday, February 6, 2012

New Year Resolution . . . Take Two

 Did you think that I had left you forever?
Well, too bad, I'm back! You should be used to this by now.
We're a month into another new year, so it's time for my New Year Delusions. . . I mean, Resolutions, of course.
Let's see, what are my resolutions this year?
1.Write more than last year: That shouldn't be hard to do.
2. Maybe actually publish something? Ha! Yeah right. I've already had one rejection this year thus far. I bet you're shocked by this news. I can hear you now, "You actually sent something out to be rejected?" Yes! Are you proud of me?
3. Last but not least, this year I am going to try and dodge those time traveling aliens better! Those nasty little creatures are always distracting me! Not that that's really hard to do. I'm always getting dis- ooh, look! A shiny thing!
Ahem. . . Yes. . . I digress.
So, those are my New Year Delusions for the year.
"We've been through this before," I can hear you say, "What makes you think you'll actually keep them this year?
The answer is simple: I'm making my resolutions in February, not January. I've probably just astounded you with my brilliance.
So, how are you doing with your New Year Resolutions? Are you keeping to them? Have you already given up? Or did you even bother to make them at all?
Resolutions are fun to make, but they also shed light on your shortcomings.
Wow, that was almost a deep thought! I'd better stop before I start sounding profound! Horrors!

Till next time, keep dodging those Time Traveling Aliens.

 Photo Copyright © 2011 Darren Hester

Monday, July 18, 2011

That Was Zen, This Is Now

As some of you may know, I love watching Masterpiece Mystery!
This year, a new detective, Aurelio Zen, was introduced into a group that can boast of Hercule Poirot, Miss Marple, Inspector Lewis, Sherlock Holmes, and many others. I was looking forward to meeting this new detective, but unfortunately, I feel that perhaps my anticipation was a bit unwarranted.
The premier of Zen left me, to be truthfully honest, confused and unsettled. The story starts out with a judge being murdered. The man claimed that the judge ruled unfairly at his trial. He had not committed the crime, he was not a murderer yada yada yada. So, after his little monologue about taking revenge on the people that had anything to do with his conviction (Zen was among those people, big surprise) he shoots the judge. I'm sure it was much to the judge's relief after such a cliche speech.
Enter Zen.
Here, for me, is where the story began to go down hill. Zen is supposed to be working on a murder that happened a while back. Ah, I thought, this probably has something to do with our judge-killing blackguard at the beginning. Turns out I was wrong, the man had nothing to do with this case. Okay, I figured that perhaps the cases will be tied together later on in the show. Nope, never was. They were completely separate. I suppose the writers just wanted to make it exciting so they had a random psycho running around killing people.
Or, perhaps they wanted to stress the fact that the Italian police were corrupt and planting evidence at the whim of the government? I think they pretty much covered that with the case that Zen was working on.
I could forgive the fact that there was a random lunatic running around, knocking off people. I seriously could, although it was a little odd.
The thing that I couldn't forgive about this episode was the case that Zen was busy investigating. Well, he was busy with it when he wasn't running from blood-thirsty crazies or making goo-goo eyes at a married woman in the elevator.
What perturbed me about it was the fact that the killer (I will not say who it is, I do have scruples.) really didn't have a motive, and they said as much at the end. At that point, I was about ready to go into the television screen and slap them. In my opinion, a mystery should always have a person out for blood and a reason to kill. People don't kill people just because they're bored and there's nothing on TV; well, they don't in fiction anyway.
To deem it a good mystery, I expect an observant little Belgian man to waltz into a room full of people and take you through the murderer's every thought. If you can't have that, because it sort of borders on plagiarism, you at least have to have motive! Come on people!
Overall, I thought Zen was all right. There was nothing really 'special' about him as far as I can see. Am I going to watch the next episode? I haven't really decided yet. I'm not sure if he deserves a second chance.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Asprins Please!

Want a fantastic migraine? Just try market research! It's slow, painful, and is similar to having your brain pulled out through your eye sockets, plus it's easy to do!
To start, just write up a quick article. Have you got it done? Excellent! Now it's time for some fun, fun, fun!
Now, pull out your market research book and select a genre you think your article will possibly fit. Have you got a genre? Great! Now find the name of a magazine that you think might like your article. Have you got one picked out? Terrific! Flip to the page number as fast as you can; now read the description. Do we have a match? No? Aw shucks! Well, let's try another one. Still not a match? Oh well, let's look on the bright side, you're on your way to that fantastic migraine we mentioned at the first of this post. All you have to do is repeat these simple steps until your head explodes. Have fun!

Bet you can't guess what I've been doing this afternoon, can you?

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Beware The Time Traveling Aliens!

I am writing this post as a warning: Beware the time traveling aliens!
It has to be them, it's the only explanation! Why else would my laptop stop working?
Yes, my poor computer is sick, and I'm not sure what's wrong with it. I have to take it to the computer doctor as soon as I have the opportunity.
I fear the time traveling aliens must have done something to my poor laptop after I posted that blog about their existence. I have to admit that it is suspicious that my computer crashed a few days after my little post.

Boy, I'm glad I came up with these Time Traveling Aliens, I can blame them for everything!

Until next time, keep an eye out for flying saucers!

Friday, April 15, 2011

Blame It On Time Traveling Aliens

Can you believe it? After I finished my last post I was abducted by time traveling aliens. Unfortunately, when they were done squeezing all of my information out of me, they returned me to the wrong time! It's now two months later and I haven't written a single post.
Curse you evil time traveling aliens!

What? You don't believe me? I'm crushed at your lack of faith in me. Do you honestly believe that I would just abandon my New Year's resolution like that?

Okay, okay, maybe I did sort of let two months slip by without posting anything. I'm horrible, I know.

I'll brief you on what's happened in my life after my last post.

I finished the first three chapters of my novel and sent it off to my instructor at the Institute of Children's Literature. She sent it back and said that it had potential. . . Hooray! And with the completion of that lesson I have now graduated from the course. I think this calls for another hooray. Hooray! I should be receiving a diploma in the mail within a few weeks.

Currently, I am studying to take my Food Safety Certification test, so I am reading all about bacteria and how they grow. And if I didn't have mysophobia before, I definitely have it now!

My brother and I have also bought a piece of property. It has a single wide trailer on it as well as a few outbuildings, one of which I have claimed for my own creative purposes. I believe I can transform the rotting little barn into a writing haven.
All I need now is rocks. Must have rocks! I need them for the base of the barn. The wood is decaying and I figure the best solution is to tear out all the rotten boards and replace them with rocks. So, I've been hunting for large stones. It's a hard, dirty task, but someone has to do it.
Believe me, my grandmother is going to be upset when her rock pathway vanishes.

Just remember Grandma, there have been sightings of time traveling aliens who, I forgot to mention, love stone paths.

Until next time.