The Dreaded Dinghy of Death

You just never know when I'm going to show up, do you? Well, here I am, surprise!  I like keeping you on your toes.
It's been a while since I've last visited my padded cell, and let me tell you . . . I've missed it sooo much! (No, I'm not crying, I've just got something in my eye.)
For once I'm not blaming those poor time traveling aliens for my absence, although I still see them from time to time. No, the true source of my silence is that I have been searching for work. . . which is not an easy thing to do. . . and I'm sure I'm not the only one with this particular problem.

Since the thought of filling out another application or sitting through another interview will definitely insure me a spot in a real padded cell, I have decided that desperate times call for desperate measures. . . I'm going to take up piracy.

My Grandma is always saying, when you start new projects, you need to make lists. So, I'm going to take her advise.  I think I'll start with the top five things that I'll need to do to prepare for my piracy career.

1. I need to go shopping. If I'm going to become a pirate, I need to look good. It's all about appearances you know.

2. I need to find a ship.This is a slight problem, since my Mommy told me that I wasn't allowed to steal one. . . Luckily, I've come up with a solution. I'm going to steal a dinghy instead. I'm not disobeying my Mother, since she specifically said I wasn't to steal a ship. See, I'm good at this piracy thing already!

3. Come up with a cool name for my new vessel. I was thinking that the Dreaded Dinghy of Death sounded quite catchy, and would surely strike fear into those foolish enough to venture out on my lake (I'm from the Midwest, there are no seas around. I have to settle for a lake). I also need to get a Jolly Roger flag as a courtesy to the ships I plunder. It would be nice to let them know that I'm a pirate before I attack.

4. Find lake to embark on. Preferably one where there's sailboats. I don't think I can row fast enough in my dinghy to catch up with motor boats.

5. I need to locate a plank that will fit my Dreaded Dinghy of Death. . . I'll probably also have to buy some  life vests and towels for the people I make walk the plank. . . Hmm, I wonder if I can get those floatation devises that look like rubber duckies? Wow, this is getting expensive!

Well, I'm sure I'll think of more things to add to my list, but I'll concentrate on these items for now. I'm off to do some shoe shopping, because let's face it, every pirate captain should have an awesome pair of boots.

Until next time, matey, may the wind always fill your sails. Argh! 



 

I'm Dreaming of a White Valentine's Day (Since I Didn't Have A White Christmas)

What is this strange white substance that's falling from the sky? It seems vaguely familiar to me. Do the angels have dandruff? Or could this possibly be. . . no impossible! But it is! I think this is the stuff that people refer to as. . . snow.
Yes! It's finally snowing here. Hooray!
I must admit, I've been kind of disappointed in winter this year, especially since there seems to be a disturbing lack of cold weather. I'd better enjoy the snowfall while I can though, according to the meteorologists it's going to warm up by the weekend. Pretty soon it will be spring, and then it's bye-bye Frosty. Drat!

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, the most romantic day of the year. Pretty ironic since it's named after man who was stoned, then beheaded.
Okay, so the romance of the holiday didn't actually occur until about 1000 years after Saint Valentine had died . . .and the only reason it became a day for lovers was because of the belief in England and France that birds began . . . um. . . courting in the middle of February. . . but still, it is named after him. 

What will I be doing this Valentine's day? You ask.
Well, I can say without a doubt that I will be doing something really special for the holiday. I mean, how often do you get the chance to take your mother to the dentist?
All kidding aside, I'll probably spend the day watching romance movies. Hopefully I'll slip a foreign film in my list.
I love watching foreign films with subtitles. It's a lot of fun, especially when they slip a few sentences of English  halfway through the movie. I usually have one of these two reactions:
1. Hey, where did the subtitles go? How am I supposed to know what they're saying without subtitles?
Or, if the movie's subtitles continue to pop up through the English part.
2. Oh my goodness. . . I can understand what they were saying! I've watched this move for so long that I am actually now fluent in this language!
Then disappointment sets  in as I realize that it's just English, and I'm not as brilliant as I thought I was. In fact, I'm feeling silly that I didn't realize it was English right off.
 But I digress.
 So there are my plans for Valentine's Day, take my mom to the dentist, then sit around and watch romance movies.
And yes, before you ask, I've already started my collection of stray cats. . .
So, what are your plans for Valentine's Day? Are you planning on something really romantic. . . or are you adopting a cat? (Not that the latter option is a bad idea. Cats can be great companions when they're not, you know, using you as a scratching post.) Here's a picture of my kitty.

He's probably watching television in this picture. (Don't worry, I only let him watch educational shows.)

Until next time, keep your eyes peeled for those Time Traveling Aliens.  

New Year Resolution . . . Take Two

 Did you think that I had left you forever?
Well, too bad, I'm back! You should be used to this by now.
We're a month into another new year, so it's time for my New Year Delusions. . . I mean, Resolutions, of course.
Let's see, what are my resolutions this year?
1.Write more than last year: That shouldn't be hard to do.
2. Maybe actually publish something? Ha! Yeah right. I've already had one rejection this year thus far. I bet you're shocked by this news. I can hear you now, "You actually sent something out to be rejected?" Yes! Are you proud of me?
3. Last but not least, this year I am going to try and dodge those time traveling aliens better! Those nasty little creatures are always distracting me! Not that that's really hard to do. I'm always getting dis- ooh, look! A shiny thing!
Ahem. . . Yes. . . I digress.
So, those are my New Year Delusions for the year.
"We've been through this before," I can hear you say, "What makes you think you'll actually keep them this year?
The answer is simple: I'm making my resolutions in February, not January. I've probably just astounded you with my brilliance.
So, how are you doing with your New Year Resolutions? Are you keeping to them? Have you already given up? Or did you even bother to make them at all?
Resolutions are fun to make, but they also shed light on your shortcomings.
Wow, that was almost a deep thought! I'd better stop before I start sounding profound! Horrors!

Till next time, keep dodging those Time Traveling Aliens.

 Photo Copyright © 2011 Darren Hester

That Was Zen, This Is Now

As some of you may know, I love watching Masterpiece Mystery!
This year, a new detective, Aurelio Zen, was introduced into a group that can boast of Hercule Poirot, Miss Marple, Inspector Lewis, Sherlock Holmes, and many others. I was looking forward to meeting this new detective, but unfortunately, I feel that perhaps my anticipation was a bit unwarranted.
The premier of Zen left me, to be truthfully honest, confused and unsettled. The story starts out with a judge being murdered. The man claimed that the judge ruled unfairly at his trial. He had not committed the crime, he was not a murderer yada yada yada. So, after his little monologue about taking revenge on the people that had anything to do with his conviction (Zen was among those people, big surprise) he shoots the judge. I'm sure it was much to the judge's relief after such a cliche speech.
Enter Zen.
Here, for me, is where the story began to go down hill. Zen is supposed to be working on a murder that happened a while back. Ah, I thought, this probably has something to do with our judge-killing blackguard at the beginning. Turns out I was wrong, the man had nothing to do with this case. Okay, I figured that perhaps the cases will be tied together later on in the show. Nope, never was. They were completely separate. I suppose the writers just wanted to make it exciting so they had a random psycho running around killing people.
Or, perhaps they wanted to stress the fact that the Italian police were corrupt and planting evidence at the whim of the government? I think they pretty much covered that with the case that Zen was working on.
I could forgive the fact that there was a random lunatic running around, knocking off people. I seriously could, although it was a little odd.
The thing that I couldn't forgive about this episode was the case that Zen was busy investigating. Well, he was busy with it when he wasn't running from blood-thirsty crazies or making goo-goo eyes at a married woman in the elevator.
What perturbed me about it was the fact that the killer (I will not say who it is, I do have scruples.) really didn't have a motive, and they said as much at the end. At that point, I was about ready to go into the television screen and slap them. In my opinion, a mystery should always have a person out for blood and a reason to kill. People don't kill people just because they're bored and there's nothing on TV; well, they don't in fiction anyway.
To deem it a good mystery, I expect an observant little Belgian man to waltz into a room full of people and take you through the murderer's every thought. If you can't have that, because it sort of borders on plagiarism, you at least have to have motive! Come on people!
Overall, I thought Zen was all right. There was nothing really 'special' about him as far as I can see. Am I going to watch the next episode? I haven't really decided yet. I'm not sure if he deserves a second chance.

Asprins Please!

Want a fantastic migraine? Just try market research! It's slow, painful, and is similar to having your brain pulled out through your eye sockets, plus it's easy to do!
To start, just write up a quick article. Have you got it done? Excellent! Now it's time for some fun, fun, fun!
Now, pull out your market research book and select a genre you think your article will possibly fit. Have you got a genre? Great! Now find the name of a magazine that you think might like your article. Have you got one picked out? Terrific! Flip to the page number as fast as you can; now read the description. Do we have a match? No? Aw shucks! Well, let's try another one. Still not a match? Oh well, let's look on the bright side, you're on your way to that fantastic migraine we mentioned at the first of this post. All you have to do is repeat these simple steps until your head explodes. Have fun!

Bet you can't guess what I've been doing this afternoon, can you?

Beware The Time Traveling Aliens!

I am writing this post as a warning: Beware the time traveling aliens!
It has to be them, it's the only explanation! Why else would my laptop stop working?
Yes, my poor computer is sick, and I'm not sure what's wrong with it. I have to take it to the computer doctor as soon as I have the opportunity.
I fear the time traveling aliens must have done something to my poor laptop after I posted that blog about their existence. I have to admit that it is suspicious that my computer crashed a few days after my little post.

Boy, I'm glad I came up with these Time Traveling Aliens, I can blame them for everything!

Until next time, keep an eye out for flying saucers!

Blame It On Time Traveling Aliens

Can you believe it? After I finished my last post I was abducted by time traveling aliens. Unfortunately, when they were done squeezing all of my information out of me, they returned me to the wrong time! It's now two months later and I haven't written a single post.
Curse you evil time traveling aliens!

What? You don't believe me? I'm crushed at your lack of faith in me. Do you honestly believe that I would just abandon my New Year's resolution like that?

Okay, okay, maybe I did sort of let two months slip by without posting anything. I'm horrible, I know.

I'll brief you on what's happened in my life after my last post.

I finished the first three chapters of my novel and sent it off to my instructor at the Institute of Children's Literature. She sent it back and said that it had potential. . . Hooray! And with the completion of that lesson I have now graduated from the course. I think this calls for another hooray. Hooray! I should be receiving a diploma in the mail within a few weeks.

Currently, I am studying to take my Food Safety Certification test, so I am reading all about bacteria and how they grow. And if I didn't have mysophobia before, I definitely have it now!

My brother and I have also bought a piece of property. It has a single wide trailer on it as well as a few outbuildings, one of which I have claimed for my own creative purposes. I believe I can transform the rotting little barn into a writing haven.
All I need now is rocks. Must have rocks! I need them for the base of the barn. The wood is decaying and I figure the best solution is to tear out all the rotten boards and replace them with rocks. So, I've been hunting for large stones. It's a hard, dirty task, but someone has to do it.
Believe me, my grandmother is going to be upset when her rock pathway vanishes.

Just remember Grandma, there have been sightings of time traveling aliens who, I forgot to mention, love stone paths.

Until next time.

Please Help

I'm going to make this post brief and to the point.
I have found out that Congress will be deciding whether or not to cut funding from Public Broadcasting. It would be a horrible mistake if they decide not to support the Public Stations anymore. They are a great source for culture, entertainment, and education, which, sad to say, is sorely lacking in most shows today. If you feel the same way, please visit  www.170millionamericans.org

I have also discovered that the Poe House is in danger of loosing it's funding. If you're a fan of Edgar Allan Poe, you can visit http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/save-the-poe-house-and-museum-in-baltimore/

I now feel as though I should say something like, "Thank you for your support," or "I approve this message."

Thanks for listening.

Muse On Coffee Break

Well, here I am; sitting at the computer, watching time slowly tick by.
Obviously my muse is on a coffee break, so I suppose I'll start without her.

It snowed again this week, which means my brother is home again, and with him the drama that is his vehicle.
His stupid . . . I mean lovely. . . truck is once again causing trouble.
It isn't the brakes this time; they're working great now (much to the relief of every driver in the country).
This time it's the transmission. For some strange and odd reason it has decided not to work. In other words, the lovely truck refuses to go into reverse. Fun huh?
And my brother wonders why my life flashes before my eyes every time I ride in that thing?

I've been occupying my time by re-rewriting chapter one of my novel. I have made an important decision concerning the beginning of my book; I'm afraid it's bye-bye Prologue. I know it sounds heartless, but it just wasn't working the way I had wanted it to, so it's received the axe. Oh, what a cruel world we live in!
With the draft of the first chapter complete (for the thirteenth time), it's been fairly simple to move on with the story. I have finished chapter two, and am currently working on chapter three.

Well folks, I believe that's it for the week. Sorry, you can blame my muse for the short post. I mean seriously, how long does it take her to drink a cup of coffee?

Losing to Luxury Tax

I was desperate. All but one property was mortgaged, I had narrowly escaped prison and was now facing Park Place, or worse, Boardwalk, with two houses. Past Boardwalk was the promise of money that I so desperately needed. If I could just make it to Go and collect my two hundred dollars, I had a chance to survive. If I could just make it to Go, I'd still be in the game.
I rolled the dice. Picking up my game piece of choice, the trusty dog, I moved across the board and landed on . . . Luxury Tax. Close call, right? Wrong! I promptly went bankrupt because I couldn't come up with seventy-five dollars to pay my taxes, even with mortgaging my last property. So much for Baltic or Mediterranean being helpful. They can't even pay off Luxury Tax!
If you haven't guessed by now, I have been occupying a snowy week by playing Monopoly with my Mother and Brother.
I know, I know, I should be writing, but since my brother has had the past few days off due to the weather, I haven't been keeping up with my novel or blog. I realize I've been extremely naughty.
I haven't squandered all my week, since I've gone through my file cabinet and also organized my workspace by installing an old pantry/wardrobe by my desk. It's worked out better than I thought. It almost makes struggling with that insufferable contact paper I was plastering the shelves with worth it.

Last Sunday I had to help my brother bleed the brakes on his stupid. . . I mean . . . lovely, truck. We all know how much I love bleeding brakes/toning thighs!
We bled the brakes, and when we got done my brother climbed into the truck and found out that the pedal could sink all the way to the floor with the slightest amount of pressure.
Turns out, the Master Cylinder had to be replaced and, guess what, the brakes had to be bled all over again. Can we say, "Hooray!"
Believe me, I gave my brother so much trouble over that one. Probably a little too much, since he admitted that he let me pump the brakes a little longer than necessary.
At least now he can stop the truck without locking the brakes.

Well, that's pretty much it for the week. My office is now organized, and my brother can now stop his vehicle. I have also developed a personal vendetta against Luxury Tax, so I don't believe the week has been entirely wasted. I'm planning on doing catchup work on my novel tomorrow, and hopefully will have drafts of the first few chapters complete.

Until next week!

A Week into the New Year

Well, it's been a week since the New Year began and so far, I've only ignored one of my New Year's Resolutions. I think that's pretty good, considering it's me.

My writing has been pretty productive this week. Could I have been more prolific? Absolutely, but overall I'm fairly happy with my results. I've blogged twice this week, as you can plainly see, and I'm plugging away at the start of my novel, 'Rescuing A Towered Prince.'
I've hit a bit of a snag with my book though, not a major one by any means, but a snag nonetheless. To prologue, or not to prologue? That is the question. I've heard that prologues are passe, and that people don't want to waste time on one when they could be reading the first chapter. So, should I change my prologue into chapter one? Hmmm, I can see already that I have difficult decisions ahead of me. I would greatly appreciate any opinions on the subject. Yay or nay to prologues?

My reading is going well. I'm still trying to finish The Plums of P.G. Wodehouse, which I am still thoroughly enjoying. I have to stop dilly-dallying around though, because my list of books to read is beginning to grow at an alarmingly rapid pace. I have borrowed a book from my Grandmother that I'll start as soon as P.G's done, and I also have A Writer's Guide to 2011 to read. Preferably this time I'll finish reading it before 2011 ends. Plus all the countless books lying around that I've started but haven't finished. Yes, regretfully, I am one of those readers who starts a book, gets bored, starts another book, gets halfway through, and starts yet another.

As for my mandolin practices . . . uh, what mandolin?
Okay, this is the resolution that's taken a back burner to other things. So don't look for my CD very soon. I'm going to make time to practice though . . . someday . . . eventually.

Well, that's been my week. How are your New Year's Resolutions going? If you'd like to share, or would like to express your opinion on prologues, leave a comment. I'd love to hear from you!

Oh, and for those of you who love a good crime story, my Grandmother is now writing a blog called Mystery & Me. She's going to start critiquing mystery books. If you would like to check it out: mysteryandme.blogspot.com

Resolutions

With the New Year's come the annual resolutions that seem really good at first, but quickly die mid-January. Well, if you're me they die mid-January, but perhaps other people can keep their resolutions alive a bit longer.
Despite the fact that I have as much trouble with resolutions living as I do with plants, I still make them every year. Don't ask me why. Perhaps I'm an incurable optimist . . . or I'm crazy, whichever one.
This year, I am resolving to write more, which really shouldn't be hard considering I didn't write very much last year. I am also hoping to read more often than I have been of late, and also learn to play the mandolin that has been sitting around for almost four years now. Hey, I need a backup plan if my writing career doesn't take off. So, if you don't see any books or articles by me just look for my CD.

I've been getting a head start on my reading resolution. I just finished a Middle-Grade book called The Night Tourist by Katherine Marsh. I'm also in the midst of reading the Plums of P.G. Wodehouse, which I am thoroughly enjoying. I might blog about these a little later.

As for my blog I hope to touch base with My Padded Cell at least once every week. That's another resolution. Hopefully, since I'm posting it where everyone can see, I'll keep up with my resolutions this year. . . Hopefully.

Happy Black Friday!

It's that time again, when families gather around the table and give thanks for the fortunes they have received by a giant feast that takes forever to prepare, and almost as long to clean up. But really, what does Thanksgiving really mean? Yes, that's right, tomorrow is Black Friday.

It's sad but true, Black Friday has taken the place of Thanksgiving as a national holiday, even though it's the most dangerous day of the year.

I wonder if the first Black Friday was as dangerous as it is today? It wouldn't be pretty seeing all those pilgrims fighting like that. Especially after that picturesque scene where they're all sitting at the table together. Imagine what the Native Americans thought, with everyone fighting over turtle necks and running around as though they had been bit by a rabid squirrel. It would have been a very awkward day indeed.

Anyway, I hope everyone enjoys their Thanksgiving, and survives Black Friday.

Oh, and Happy Early Birthday, Grandma!

The Padded Library - Rochester vs. Heathcliff

Anyone who has a love of classic literature knows about the Bronte Sisters, especially Charlotte and Emily. Charlotte wrote Jane Eyre, while Emily . . . was clinically insane!
I came to that conclusion after reading Wuthering Heights, a book that I could hardly get through. The only reason I did was because I had to write a report on the Bronte sisters for school. I hated the book, didn't like Cathrine and. . . well, let's just face it, I wanted Heathcliff to die a slow and painful death.
So, imagine my surprise when I came across someone who said that Rochester was insane and that Heathcliff just needed medication. What?
True, Rochester was a little off at times, but he had every reason to be. I mean his father and brother tricked him into marrying a crazy woman, for crying out loud! (Oh, yeah. Spoiler Alert!)
What was Heathcliff's excuse, he was a poor boy, and then he was adopted by a rich guy? Yeah, I can hear the violins already. Let's just face it, Heathcliff was mean from the start.

Rochester was willing to let Jane go in the end, just as long as it made her happy. Heathcliff . . . we won't even go there. Marrying Cathrine's sister-in-law just to get back at her was extreme, but making his son and Cathrine's daughter marry? That's diving as far as you can go in the depths of insanity.

Overall, my view on the subject: Rochester may not be playing with a full deck, but Heathcliff is only holding one card.
Really, I'm just happy I'm not a heroine in a Gothic Romances, because I believe most of the Goth heroes are drinking out of lead goblets.

The Padded Library - Miss Marple: Kindly Old Lady or Master Serial Killer?

All right, a disturbing thought occurred to me as I was watching this season's Masterpiece Mystery. Why is it that every party Miss Marple is invited to, there's always a corpse that turns up for dinner? The same is true for the towns she visits. As soon as she steps foot off the bus there seems to be a blood curdling scream.
I know she's supposed to be a brilliant little old lady who can figure out who knocked off Uncle Freddie for his fortune, but seriously, what are the odds that people are always murdered when she is around?
Now I don't go to many parties, but in all the events I have ever gone to, nobody has been murdered. And I don't recall tripping over a corpse every time I visit a new town. Maybe I'm just lucky, or maybe . . . just maybe, there is an entirely different reason why Miss Marple leaves behind a trail of dead people.
I believe that Miss Marple is actually a serial killer, and a brilliant one at that, because she has Scotland Yard in her pocket. Now, what Inspector would assume that an eighty year old woman can take down a man in his prime? What's more, she 'helps' them discover who the 'murderer' is, so she is above suspicion.
I'm sure you're probably thinking, 'Well, what about Hercule Poirot?' But Poirot is actually a detective, it's his job to find corpses. But for Miss Marple to 'just happen to be there' at the time of someone's demise is a bit odd, don't you think?
I don't know, maybe it's just me. But just to be on the safe side, if you're planning on taking a little trip to St. Mary's Mead any time soon, make sure Miss Marple is out of town.

Bleeding Brakes/Toning Thighs

"All right, pump the pedal . . . keep pumping . . . Now hold . . . keep holding. . ." For anyone who has ever had the good fortune to be the pedal pumper while bleeding brakes, I'm sure this sounds somewhat familiar. A few days ago, I, being the only lucky person who wasn't busy at the time, helped my Grandfather bleed brakes. It was the my first brake bleeding experience, and let's just say by the time I crawled out of the car, I was wondering if it would be less painful to simply saw my legs off with a butter knife. Talk about a leg exercise and a half! That's when a brilliant idea came to me; I could open a business. A brake bleeding, leg toning business. I think it would be very successful, bring in your old car, bleed the brakes, tone your thighs. What do you think?

Move Over Confucius

If you try and stop the crap from hitting the fan, you'll end up with a face full of crap.
All right,I can live peacefully now that I've imparted some of my infinite wisdom to all three of my followers.

Drowning in a Sea of Boxes

Well, I never promised I'd be a faithful blogger.


Right now our house has turned into an agility course. Problem is, I'm not that agile. But I think I'm improving! I now can jump over a small pile of boxes without my foot skimming the top. If you haven't guessed, we're moving, so everything is a bit . . . um, let's say . . . it looks like a tornado has ripped through the house. Seriously, I'm seizing the opportunity to blog while I can still find the computer!

Here is a small poem I have just composed . . . or whatever you'd call it.

I'm drowning in a sea of boxes.

I don't know where things are at.

And then there is that funny odor.

Hey, has anyone seen my cat?


Oh, and on a hockey note; Go Blackhawks!

Show Me the Natural State

The other night I was lying in bed, trying to convince myself that sleep was a good thing, when a funny thought struck me. I have no idea why this popped into my head, but it occurred to me that it is horrible the "Show Me State: sits right on top of the "Natural State".
I've had problems with Arkansas's nickname ever since I read on an upcoming events list, "Clogging in the Natural State." That brought to mind some rather unpleasant images. Why is Arkansas called the Natural State anyway? Hmm. I suppose now I will be busy pondering these musings, since evidently I have no life. Seriously, who stays up thinking about these things? Now you know why I need a padded cell!

Welcome to My Padded Cell

Welcome to my padded cell, where I encourage you to make yourself comfortable and enjoy my rantings.
I hope you'll have fun with the quirky yet tragic things that seem to be thrown at me this year. No matter what happens, I try and deal with problems by finding the humor in life. I just pray you'll think it's funny too.

Please visit again soon!